my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
there is glitter all over my balls
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