Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Apparently you make a good broom.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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