I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
