Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
My liver just broke up with me...
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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