Fine. I'll sleep in my office
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
