i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
