I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
