tonight lets celebrate not being married
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize