Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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