I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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