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• (912): View more from Georgia

  I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.

  (678): View more from Georgia

  I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home

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• (804): View more from Virginia

  Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.

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• (612): View more from Minnesota

  I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.

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• (707): View more from California

  Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.

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• (914): View more from New York

  I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.

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• (401): View more from Rhode Island

  its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well

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• (703): View more from Virginia

  then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives

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• (774): View more from Massachusetts

  It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.

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• (402): View more from Nebraska

  Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.

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• (406): View more from Montana

  There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.

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• (919): View more from North Carolina

  All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death

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• (937): View more from Ohio

  Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?

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• (781): View more from Massachusetts

  MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.

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• (206): View more from Washington

  Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.

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• (416): View more from Toronto

  FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.

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