she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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