my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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