I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
