I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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