What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
