come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
