so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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