The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
