i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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