I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
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