My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
