Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
