Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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