he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
she peed on how many people?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
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