I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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