im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
