in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
