It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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