my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I believe in your delicious
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
