He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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