mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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