Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
