i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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