Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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