my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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