our cab driver is having phone sex.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
They are going to name an STD after you.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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