guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize