I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
