EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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