question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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