so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Swine flu is the new snow day.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
