I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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