I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
