The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
a search helicopter?!
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
