Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
