just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
