Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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