My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
