I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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