If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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