Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
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