Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
