I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
