i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Randomize
