a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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