I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
