Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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