It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
