Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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