Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
