I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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