the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
