this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
