dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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