Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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