Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
